Work sucks…

I know.

She left me roses by the stairs,

she made them out of pubic hairs…

Any who…

I have got to get out of working for other people and make money on some art. I’m afraid that I’m going to become some bitter, toxic old man, broken by life and mad at everyone else experiencing some success. I can feel it building and it scares me.

On a similar note, all the progress I’ve been making on my planner of ideas this year has given me this weird new sense of fomo. Have I mentioned the book before? I can’t remember. In case I haven’t, the basic concept has been to write down a new idea every day. By and large, I’ve been fairly diligent with it, and I have generated a fairly large number of ideas. The issue that I’m starting to have is realizing how many more of these I could have seen created if I’d just gotten my shit together sooner. I’m seeing how fleeting an limited time is and how relatively little of it I have left to see any of these ideas come to fruition. It saddens me, but also makes going to work more and more difficult. If I let it, it could easily consume even more of my time than it already has.

I do wish I’d done a better job of using my time when I was younger, but I can’t really change that now. All I can do is use my time to the best of my ability.

As for art, I know it’s something I wanted/ something I want, but maybe I need to learn to want it more than I already do. Maybe I need to truly let it become a burning obsession such that I ultimately can’t stress out about work or anything else for that matter. Maybe I need to push myself to let art consume me such that all that matters is art and Emi.

Maybe I’m just lying to myself.

Dicks for listening!

Maybe the Internet is Right...

Maybe I'm not so weird after all.

I recently learned, following a little online rabbit hole, about Harm OCD. Not sure if anyone else has this, but I have these horrible, intrusive thoughts about my amazing dog Emi. I'll be petting her or playing hands/tug of war or something of the sort, and something violent and upsetting will just pop into my head. Sometimes it even happens when she's just sleeping in my lap. I'll have sudden thoughts about punching or choking her, throwing her by the neck. One time, as we were lying in bed, I suddenly found myself thinking about how she would struggle if I held her underwater and what kind of noises she would make. My stomach knotted, I felt myself grow nauseous. I hated my brain and hated myself for having these thoughts. They terrified me. What if I suddenly did that? What if I suddenly decided to hurt her? Can I even be trusted with her?

These thoughts have thankfully been intermittent and not particularly common, but they are always unpleasant when they hit. My big concern was that something fundamentally good within me had broken. I've long since had trouble forming meaningful attachments with other people, and even becoming attached to little Emi took no small amount of effort.

Maybe I truly am broken?

After saying fuck it and looking up these intrusive thoughts online, I was pleased to find that they are the early/first stages in Harm OCD. Not to get too into it, but the basic gist is that fear of either harming or having harm come to someone we love, be it person or pet, can cause an increase in anxiety such that one begins to develop OCD traits to prevent this harm. Thankfully, I have not developed any of these OCD traits/tics, but I do still have these thoughts on occasion. I'm not big into self-diagnosing, but finding this out, and knowing that I am diagnosed with anxiety, brought me some relief. While I'm far from perfect, I'm glad to know that my ability to attach and love and cherish someone other than myself isn't truly broken.

Dicks for listening!

No song today...

I just don't have one in my heart tonight.

Any who...

I've got to find something less repetitive to do with this blog. I'm not talking about the songs, that shit will continue. I'm talking about the actual content. I don't just want to keep writing the same variations of "making progress." I'd also like to avoid using every post to talk about my somewhat shaky mental health and general lack of desire to live. It feels good to write it, don't get me wrong, and while I'm in the middle of it, it feels like I'm saying some real deep shit. I feel like I'm reaching out and connecting with all of these invisible, non-existent people (as opposed to the non-existent people you can see) and I feel seen and supported. I don't necessarily think either of these things are bad, per se, but it is kind of fucking boring. I'd like to mix it up, plant some seeds of potential personal essays.

Seems like it might make for some better reading.

Dicks for listening!

Pretty Kitty...

Pretty kitty,

Licking on the titty

Pretty kitty,

Pretty kitty,

Perfect little titties

Any who…

Lord I'm feeling beat down this week. Between a bullshit staff meeting that could have honestly been a group text that read, "Fuck you, we don't give a shit," and business finally starting to pick up, I feel beat down. My body feels more than a little beaten.

I'm still working on Un Chien, though progress is going slower than I'd like. I'd love to push myself, but I know that not getting enough sleep leaves my mental health cracking and opens the door for headaches that slow me down even more. I'm glad to have my passion back though, I just need to remember to make sure to feed it more.

Outside of the comics, I've been polishing an ephemerol sketch daily. I'd also like to start getting the pencils done on some Frenchies, but I'm going to need to refine/find a schedule to facilitate this happening.

Dicks for listening!

Big Ol’ Dicks

Flopping in the wind,

Flopping in the wind.

Big ol’ dicks,

Flopping in the wind,

They are my only friends…

Anywho…

Had a somewhat restful couple of days at the expense of not getting my fitness challenges fully complete. It is what it is. Honestly, I’m proud of myself for sticking with them better than I’d initially expected.

Spent part of my morning in a a meeting for work—always a great way to spend one’s day off—that was less than inspiring. Well, it was less than inspiring regarding work. Like many things, it did remind me of the importance of working to make art and working to get it out there. Any day I spend time working to help some employer have a better life at the expense of my own is a wasted day.

Dicks for listening!

My Name is Sassy...

Sassy-molassy

My drip is real sweet

And my butthole is gassy

Any who...

So I started trying these fitness challenges, looking at them, like many things as "grinding" to "level up." I'm still using the app, but also trying to shape my thoughts into this type of thinking. Delusion is delusion is delusion, but if it helps me to reach more goals and live a more fulfilling life, the results should be worth it right?

Maybe not. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for failure, but in the end, that's just a part of the journey right?

For the social media push, I've got some basic ideas down. Obviously I can do some WIPs, both still images and process reels. Some of the close-up pics can also be used to add to my 'story' as well. I can also incorporate daily sketches/ reels of these as well. For the first couple of years, I can do sticker ideas. After that, I'm thinking faces maybe? I may just go ahead and start with the faces daily as is given how useful the practice will be for me, incorporating expressions, character, and the like.

Along with the art, I was also thinking of posting one inspiration dump a week, talking about something that's inspired me during my life. Alongside this, reference dumps as well, some of the cooler, more inspiring images I've found on Google. Maybe use a word generator and base the posts off of my findings. Adds content, drives traffic. It's an idea.

Un Chien is progressing and, though it will be a bit of challenge, I still think I'll be able to finish the pencils by the end of the month. Along with that, I'd very much like to get MTC scanned and at least finish the times with the interior art. It's a lot, but I'm feeling good about it.

Dicks for listening!

I Tear My Ass Open...

I sew it back shut,

My weakness is,

I shit too much…

Any who…

I started researching suggested schedules for social media posting today. My excitement is palpable…

Kidding aside, I'm trying to look at it like I'm grinding in a video game, and it feels more palatable because of this. Maybe it's the time I've sunk into Kingdom Come recently talking, but looking at it like leveling up stat points in an RPG gets me kind of jazzed at the challenge. A cursory look at the example schedules suggests anywhere from 6 to 12 posts per day, encompassing multiple social media accounts, pics, reels, stories, etc. As someone who maybe posts once or twice daily, this seems absolutely insane—particularly as regards the actual creation of this content. As I'm selling/ showing my art, rather than a caricature or exaggeration of myself, I'm definitely going to have to dig into the creativity to make sure the content not only focuses on my art, but accurately reflects it.

Another big challenge ahead will be this accurate reflection. I don't want to brand myself as someone who creates palatable, mass appeal sort of art. Sure I have more “acceptable” works, but I want to keep it strange, smutty, violent, and authentic. While it won't be the easiest brand to establish and sell, the most authentic brand would logically be the easiest to maintain once established. I would always rather be afraid of not pushing myself enough rather than upsetting someone by going too far. Once steady income is part of the picture, authenticity and experimentation can easily become much more difficult.

As mentioned earlier though, gamification of this social media challenge is helping me to get hyped for it. I'm ready to get my requirements layed out and start getting my art out in front of more and more eyes.

Dicks for listening!

Few things make me quite as happy...

As seeing the joy Emi gets from a new toy. I hand it to her in the kitchen and she immediately runs with it into the bedroom. She starts chewing, takes a break to walk around with it in her mouth, shakes it about, tossed it around: it makes me so fucking happy to see her joy. It's a spot of life brighter than the sun.

Anywho…

I'm working to crack down on Un Chien and get these pencils completed. I don't want to say that it's an uphill battle, but I've got more to do than I realized, so it's definitely going to be a challenge. Still, I see myself being able to complete it.

Maybe…

I've also started doing some research into hash tags and trying to figure out how to get my art in front of the people most likely to appreciate it. I've made some attempts in the past, and had some success, but most of that is somewhat null and void now due to having purged/deleted my social media accounts on multiple occasions. Far from my smartest move, but considering that all I deleted were some profiles and not my life during those lows, I won't dwell too much on it. It'll be fun to engage in this aspect, to try and brainstorm the best way to get exposure. I don't want to be an influencer by any means, but I do need to get my art out there if I'm going to use it to supplement and then replace, my income.

I know video seems more likely to attract viewers. Outside of process videos, I'll have to try and think up/ find some ways to take advantage of video to promote my work.

To be honest, it'd be great to not have to do this, but it seems necessary and, if I'm going to have to, may as well at least try to get myself jazzed for it.

Dicks for listening!

My pussy pink…

My booty hole brown

I love song lyrics that are legit ridiculous. They make life so much better.

Any who…

Not gonna lie, I’m feeling a wee bit proud of myself today after a coworker asked about my art dreams/ plans. I found I was actually able to give more honest answers. I wasn’t super confident as I gave them, but I was still able to actually share some truths about what I’d like to do with my art rather than fight to end the conversation/ change the subject as quickly as possible. It ain’t much, but it’s an improvement.

I’ve also recently become a bit infatuated with someone. It’s not necessarily something that I’m looking to pursue in any capacity, but waking up to find that they’d sent me a message or a meme while I was asleep is a great start to the day. More than anything, it’s fun—which is a relief. The last time I actually tried dating someone, about 2 and a half years ago, for most of the period of time when I though something could happen, I had just constant diarrhea. It sucked too because I couldn’t keep myself hydrated enough to donate plasma and I was really hoping to earn some extra scratch through that, so, that was fun. More than that though, whatever fun I could have had I really let my anxiety put a stop to it. I got in too deep mentally, something I shouldn’t have done, and really destroyed whatever might have drawn her to me in the first place.

Oddly enough, being the petty person I am, after it ended with the guy she started seeing seriously, she opened the door back up for me, and I closed it without a second thought. You’d think I’d have at least tried to fuck her or get some head beforehand, but no. I closed that door without a second thought.

In all fairness, my anxiety being the way it is, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get it up had I decided to take her up on the offer so maybe it was for the best. Still depressing, but at least I didn’t have to get that ‘sigh, look to the side’ move that says I’m a disappointment.

…

…

…Well that went downhill.

Point is, I have a little crush, but given that we work together and I’m an old man compared to her, it isn’t anything serious. Still, pleasant to not only feel that little flutter, but to know that I can still feel it as well.

Dicks for listening!

Oops I did it again…

I spoke about suicide in a frank, matter-of-fact nature. I understand how it’s concerning to others, I do, but considering I’ve been having those thoughts since middle school, it’s just a way of life for me at this point. Like filling up my gas tank or getting an oil change, a depressive dip with suicidal thoughts is just a thing that’s going to happen. I’m not like thrilled with it, but I just try to push through it and get back to the better feelings.

The one thing that sort of disappoints me about it this time is that I didn’t talk at all about my plans for the next decade, about recommitting myself to art and the stories I’d like to create. I don’t want to harp on myself, but I’ve got to get better about sharing my joy/hope and not just my despair.

Any who…

I finished the cat commission, so that’s a plus, though even with that payment, I’m going to be late with rent this month. Mercifully it’s the first time in a little over 2 years I’ve had an issue with it here, so I’m doing my best to not stress. I looked into consolidating my debt, but with my current credit score, any loan would have almost 30% interest, so fuck that. I’m just going to have to re-tool my budget and see what I can drop. Thankfully, at this point, I’ve got things I can drop.

With the new month, along with getting all of MTC scanned and toned, I’d really like to see the pencils for Un Chien completed. It’d be such a great feeling to see those pages done and to get the letters started.

Dicks for listening!

I can't get no...

Shatisfaction...

Any who...

Plans for the next decade are coming together and, after a day like today, I'm thankful they are. It isn't like it was a bad day, just that getting paid and realizing that it won't even cover what's due can be a bit of a bummer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super, super grateful for where I'm at, but oddly enough, my gratitude, coupled with this struggle, keeps me tucked firmly into the Left. Overall, I've been very fortunate in my life. I know that my mistakes are mine. To put it another way: I'm a fuck up and still doing alright. I'm not doing great, but I realize that there are people who are where I'm at who did do everything right, who did avoid mistakes. It's crazy that we can be in the same place and certainly makes me wonder how many people have truly "earned" their successes and how many people worked hard but also started well ahead of the majority. It's a disservice to us as a community, as a group, that the hard work of minorities is rewarded, in many cases, on par with white mediocrity. Maybe I'm wrong, but I certainly find the idea that America is a meritocracy utterly laughable.

But yeah, plans for the next decade are coming along and it's keeping my spirits up.

In other news, inks are done for MTC and, holy shit, my mind is kind of blown that I've gotten this far and am still rolling along. Next steps will be scanning it in, toning the pages, coloring the cover, and then formatting to get it online. I can't wait to see it finished and share it with y'all.

Un Chien is moving along as well, as are polishing up the remainder of the images for Ephemerol. I should also be polishing off this latest commission by early next week and then moving on to restarting Cine Frenche.

Dicks for listening!

But to my surprise…

They pulled down their space pants

And came into my eyes!

They sang: Come onto your face

Come onto your face

Come onto your face with me!

Any who…

MTC is getting closer and closer to being done and my excitement is almost palatable. I seriously cannot stress how, even if it’s only 30-ish pages, how crazy it is to me to be this far in a project. The amount of times I’ve started something and failed to get this far is depressing, but it’s something I intend to change and this is a great start.

I’ve also begun to remember my dreams more regularly, which is a treat. Generally speaking, dreaming just seems to make sleep even better than it already is. Last night was a weird sort of an inception wherein I dreamed within the dream that I made out with a cute coworker, only to wake up in the dream and make out with her. Oddly, I found her father face down and dead from an overdose in my bathtub. I told her, we made out some more, I sucked at one of her tits, and then we went back into the bathroom to find her dead father missing,

Weird shit…

Dick’s for listening!

Come with me...

And you'll see,

My sordid acts of masturbation…

Any who…

Still debating with myself, still dancing around committing to really dedicating myself to making a living through my art.

I recently saw an article about giving something 100%, about how most of the time we only dedicate ourselves to things partially and this makes things much more difficult and ultimately leads to us not achieving what we are wanting to achieve. It's an obvious point, and it reeks of self-help bullshit, but it is true. If I'm going to make a living through art, I really do need to dedicate myself to it 100% and if I'm going to do that, I'm going to have to make some changes/commitments to myself and to this pursuit.

First, I have to follow the plan I set. As delightful as it is follow my whims, I have to follow through on what I set forward. Not finishing shit for a couple of decades really set me back in terms of this career.

Second, as much as I bitch and moan about it, I really do need to focus on something, at least one something, with some appeal, something marketable. In all fairness, the projects/ ideas that I have lined up for the next decade do a relatively decent job of fitting this mold. The only one that doesn't have much of an income potential would be the personal essays. Perhaps I could put off working on those until my fifties...

What weird fucking statement...

Third, and maybe most terrifying, I have to get out there. I have to publicly fail and fail again. No one is going to buy what they don't know about.

Lastly, I have to tell the doubt to shut the fuck up. That has, perhaps, been my biggest obstacle: my own fear of failure.

Goddamn, what's it like to be a stereotype?Kind of sucks, but you get used to it.

Dicks for listening!

I wanna dance with somebody…

Wanna beat my meat with somebody,

with somebody who loves me…

God that was so stupid.

Any who…

This is definitely one of those days where I wish I’d had a better understanding of how establishing self-worth worked when I was younger so that I could reap those benefits now that I’m older.

Though I know I’ve mentioned it before, I’ve never really put forth an actual effort to make it as an artist. Sure I’ve posted online and tried to get a couple of projects off of the ground, both alone and with others, and have sold a random piece here or there, I’ve never really made an attempt. I’ve never really gone to networking events, galleries, conventions. I’ve never sent out submissions to publications, agents, never entered contests, never tried to get hired at studios producing the sort of things I liked. I’ve never reached out to people I know, never tried to maintain working friendships. To top it all off, I’ve almost never finished any of my projects/ pieces.

How do I start now though, where do I go. I genuinely seem to have little clue as to how to build a career, never mind having the self-worth to go for it.

I guess the first goal then is to get some shit finished. I can’t sell what I don’t have. It seems stupid, foolish, and downright childish to be trying this again at damn near 40, but I’ve got to make a change. I’ve got a couple more years in me sure, but I can’t keep spending my days working for someone else’s retirement. I can’t keep wasting my life helping someone else enjoy theirs.

I have to try.

Dicks for listening!

Chopped off my dick…

Chopped off my dick,

No bump in front,

Everything’s all slick.

I was singing that in a dream last night, though at no point did I lose my penis. Strange times.

Any who…

Inks on all the pages of MTC are complete and ready to scan and tone. In terms of inks, I’ve only got the cover and internal facial picture to finish and it’ll be all digital steps from there.

I’ve still got a decent amount of Un Chien to pencil before the end of the month, but I really like how it’s progressing. Part of the difficulty with the remaining pages, much like almost the entirety of MTC, is that it’s far from appropriate to work on at work. I still have a couple of large and/or detailed panels I can work on there, but much of what remains is explicit.

A new commission also came in for a pet portrait. I’m hoping to knock this one out quick, but we’ll see.

While I’d love to discuss a recent little depressive episode, I think I’d rather actually just have a positive post for once. Got to keep them guessing I reckon.

Dicks for listening!

Wait, I had a chance?

Is exactly what I think every time a friend of mine starts dating someone who is mid at best.

Look, I realize that this is super conceited, but am I the only one who finds themselves feeling this way? A friend of mine will start dating someone new, and, while I'm happy for them, I'm looking at the person and kind of kicking myself for thinking I didn't have a chance. It isn't like I genuinely want to date them, if we're being perfectly honest, it's like this belated jealousy from some self I used to be. Like, deep down in my spirit I remember anyone I fancied and didn't make a move on because I couldn't fathom that I'd have a chance, only to see guys getting a chance that even I'm having trouble seeing the appeal with.

It's bizarre to say the least and has me wondering what dates I might have gone on had I only bothered to ask.

Any who…

I've got a new pet portrait commission on the works which will be bring in a few bucks: always a plus. I'm hoping to see it finished in the next couple of weeks. Aside from that, art work is going slowly but steadily. I've still got this deep excitement in seeing MTC come together, and I'm really enjoying how Un Chien is starting to look. Per my new daily goals, also polishing a red ephemerol sketch off a day which means that in less than a year, I should have all of the layouts complete.

Little by little. Day by day.

Dicks for listening!

It’s been a hard day’s night…

And I’ve been crankin’ on my hog,

Lookin’ at pictures of you

until I squirt out that goo

in stringy ropes of white…

Any who…

I am so, so close to finishing the inks on MTC and getting it scanned in. I’ve got 5 pages to finish, the cover, and a pin-up inside and then it’ll be time to get digital. This is such a landmark for me. Even at this point, this is the most progress I’ve ever made on a comic project, and it fills me with excitement for the stories I want to tell and the conviction to tell them.

Even better, the pages don’t look half bad. Don’t get me wrong, there’s definitely room for improvement, but adding in the line weights has really brought a lot of the pages together.

I’m also getting closer and closer to seeing the pencils of Un Chien complete as well and it’s coming together nicely.

Dicks for listening!

Ooo baby, look at that girth...

Fucking you feels like giving birth.

Any who…

Today’s been one of those days that makes it difficult to completely give up the dream of making a living as an artist. As much work and struggle as it may be, it would mean using more of my time for myself and my dreams rather than putting money in someone else's pocket.

Thing is, all these years later, I'm still so scared of really trying and failing. As also mentioned, I want to be more honest, to create art that feeds and enriches my soul as much as puts money in my pocket. I need to think about it. How do I want to spend the rest of my life? What do I want for me?

I don't know, but I really ought to figure it out.

Dicks for listening.

Give the perfect treat…

And keep your skeet sweet. Drink pineapple juice today!

Any who…

Finished another piece today, hooray, and made some more progress on the MTC inks. I’ve been trying to get back into the habit of working at my desk, and it’s definitely helping me to be more productive. I suppose it still holds the mindset about it that when I’m there I need to get shit done. It also just helps me to focus. I find that, though my mind will still try to wander, it’s easier to keep it focused while I’m sitting there.

Speaking of while I was sitting there, as I was sitting there today, I started to imagine getting into streaming. Though I’m certainly more comfortable in my solitude, it would be a lie to say that I’m not sometimes starved for human interaction/ companionship. I’ve spent so long without a partner or typical friendship that it’s always sort of there, like a dull ache, in the back of my brain. I initially began thinking about streaming after seeing that a cute presenter I follow was about to hop on her stream. I imagined having my own, of interacting with people and receiving that oh-so-vital confirmation of existence that comes with it. I imagined feeling more confident about myself, of interacting with people and feeling like I mattered.

I won’t pursue it.

I won’t pursue it for the same reason that I don’t pursue friendships and won’t pursue companionship. Having spent so long without, I must concede that my perception of what a healthy relationship/friendship looks like is heavily warped. My expectations are removed from reality, devoid of any acceptance of who I am as a person. My anxiety and self-loathing isn’t taken into account. It’s all just a bit romantic. Streaming, much like trying to build a social media presence would be a depressing exercise. Like this blog, I would simply be screaming into the void.

The best I could hope for would be to be viewed as some type of novelty. People would tune in to watch me talk to myself and to amuse themselves at witnessing mental illness going about it’s business as mental illness would be want to do. Any attention wouldn’t be positive and certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better about being alive.

But all that is fantasy. Reality, as already mentioned, would be meaninglessly presenting myself to the void and feeling all the more lonely for it.

It would appear that I have, once again, forgotten to take my medication today.

Dicks for listening!

Ugh…just ugh…

That debate was an absolute dumpster fire. We really have just fucked ourselves haven’t we?

Any who…

I thought tonight was going to be the night. I had the PS5 and a copy of Elden Ring in my cart and I was going to buy it on a payment plan. I tried 3 times, but the internet at work was being wonky and we had a late night emergency come in and I wasn’t able to make the purchase. What I mean to say is, after trying to make the purchase 3 times, I took it as a sign and gave up. Honestly, I’m really grateful this happened.

Earlier this year, after looking at not only all the things I want to accomplish, but also at the back catalog of games I’ve got for my switch, I made myself a little challenge. I picked a spread of 20 games I either hadn’t started or hadn’t even played and told myself if I could beat these games and, in the process, put about 1000 additional hours onto my Switch, I’d buy myself the PS5. While I obviously want to clear some of my back catalogue, I also want to clear some debt and avoid impulse buys. Further, I still really struggle with completing goals that I set for myself. I’ve got some big things I’d like to do in the next decade, and I can’t hold myself accountable, they’re just not going to happen.

I was really giving into the impulse tonight and I’m grateful that I ultimately wasn’t able to.

Dick’s for listening!