Give the perfect treat…

And keep your skeet sweet. Drink pineapple juice today!

Any who…

Finished another piece today, hooray, and made some more progress on the MTC inks. I’ve been trying to get back into the habit of working at my desk, and it’s definitely helping me to be more productive. I suppose it still holds the mindset about it that when I’m there I need to get shit done. It also just helps me to focus. I find that, though my mind will still try to wander, it’s easier to keep it focused while I’m sitting there.

Speaking of while I was sitting there, as I was sitting there today, I started to imagine getting into streaming. Though I’m certainly more comfortable in my solitude, it would be a lie to say that I’m not sometimes starved for human interaction/ companionship. I’ve spent so long without a partner or typical friendship that it’s always sort of there, like a dull ache, in the back of my brain. I initially began thinking about streaming after seeing that a cute presenter I follow was about to hop on her stream. I imagined having my own, of interacting with people and receiving that oh-so-vital confirmation of existence that comes with it. I imagined feeling more confident about myself, of interacting with people and feeling like I mattered.

I won’t pursue it.

I won’t pursue it for the same reason that I don’t pursue friendships and won’t pursue companionship. Having spent so long without, I must concede that my perception of what a healthy relationship/friendship looks like is heavily warped. My expectations are removed from reality, devoid of any acceptance of who I am as a person. My anxiety and self-loathing isn’t taken into account. It’s all just a bit romantic. Streaming, much like trying to build a social media presence would be a depressing exercise. Like this blog, I would simply be screaming into the void.

The best I could hope for would be to be viewed as some type of novelty. People would tune in to watch me talk to myself and to amuse themselves at witnessing mental illness going about it’s business as mental illness would be want to do. Any attention wouldn’t be positive and certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better about being alive.

But all that is fantasy. Reality, as already mentioned, would be meaninglessly presenting myself to the void and feeling all the more lonely for it.

It would appear that I have, once again, forgotten to take my medication today.

Dicks for listening!