Missed 2 days…

Maybe I’ll post twice today. It is early after all.

Went to the company Christmas party today. I went because my manager worked to get the overnight staff an actual Christmas party since we will inevitably be working when the actual company party occurs and it seemed rude to not at least give it a shot. Still, while I was expecting it to be nothing major, I should have done a bit more mental prep before going. I only made it about 30 minutes at the restaurant before abruptly having to leave due to a rising panic attack/ anxiety strike. Thankfully, I made it to the car before I started crying. Even then, the real waterworks didn’t hit until I was already on the interstate, and let me tell you, tears and an astigmatism are not super great for driving.

In any case, a panic attack is definitely not my favorite way to start the day. It isn’t just the adrenaline, the crying, the feeling of defeat, it’s the onslaught of negative feelings that run along with it. It’s the self-loathing that inevitably follows. Part of the issue, perhaps all of it, is that I don’t do well in social situations these days. At something like a party or gathering, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what mask to wear, what role to take. Without that, all I can do is be me, and I grew up to hate that person. Somehow I learned that that person was no good, that he was flawed and broken and not worth anyone’s time. I learned that and never unlearned it.

Looking back, it created so many problems for me and still continues to. I don’t keep close friendships, I haven’t dated in almost a decade and, even when I did, it never followed the usual path. Like I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone I was interested in, asked them out on a date, had them say yes, and then go on said date. As far as I can remember, that has never happened. Generally I’d meet someone, I’d feel my heart flutter, and then that’d be where it’d stop. When I was younger, I’d do the whole, nice guy, friend shit and operate under the delusion that one day I’d be able to earn their affections. I’d never even ask them out. I’d just automatically assume that I was never going to be enough, that I had to earn the right to be considered worthwhile. Problematic view to say the least and definitely did me no favors.

Further, it seemed the only people I did date were situational and started out because either we were both drinking and hooked up, or because they made the first move. With the drunk hook-ups, I’d ghost them because, well, clearly they didn’t think too highly of themselves if I was the person they took home/ went home with so why bother having the courage to be honest and say I wasn’t interested to their face? (I’m a winner for sure right?) With the people who asked me out, well, it didn’t take long for them to realize that what they found interesting in me wasn’t me, but the mask I was wearing when they met me.

These days it’s almost the same only without the entitlement. I don’t believe that I can earn it. I still don’t believe that I’m worth any of it, but at least I’m not expecting a reward for being kind.

Also I’m not drunkenly hooking up with people I have no real interest in anymore. So there’s that.

Still, I do get those flutters and it still hurts to not be able to believe in them. Sometimes it’s helpful of course. Sometimes I get them and the person is in some manner of committed relationship and that at least makes things a little easier. The difficulty is in comparing myself to their partner. Doing that I’m immediately back into that mindset of earning love.

Can I make this make sense?

I start looking at their partner and at them. I start thinking how, if I want to be with someone like whoever it is my heart went all a-flutter for, I’ve got to be like their partner. I’ve got to be as successful as them, I’ve got to have their looks, their abilities. I’ve got to have their money their prospective futures.

I still fall back into that same horrible mindset. When a person is single, I’m not good enough for them, and when they’re taken, of course they are, because they deserve someone as amazing as their partner and, as such, I would never have been good enough for them in the first place.

I’m rambling, but the point is that deep down I have a deep disdain for who I am as a person. I want to love myself, but even when I’m feeling okay, some part of me feels it knows that I’m not worth anyone’s time. All that really matters is that I’m wearing the right mask for them and playing the right role.

Ugh, what a fucking downer. I’d remind any of you that read all this that I’m almost 40, but I’m afraid that that won’t be funny so much as it’ll be fucking sad. It’s even more sad too when you consider that I still don’t know how to be myself in front of my family or friends even. I can’t even remember the last time I reached out to someone for help when I was crashing and all I wanted to do was die. It’s not even a thing I consider.

I’ll shoot for something happier later. Maybe something positive like some picture updates.

Dicks for listening!