Goal-less living

Is it possible? I’m not quite certain it is, but some days I wish it was.

I’m debating trying to live as goal free as possible for a year. I can’t decide if it’s something that might be a positive experience for me or if it’s going to set me back. On the one hand, it sounds so stress-free, so peaceful. Year after year I’ve set these immensely difficult, if not outright impossible, goals and, while I don’t necessarily “feel” bad about not reaching them, I can’t help but to think it’s not much benefit to constantly have these failures. I mean, in some capacity I’m going to hold myself accountable to them right?

Now look, I already know what you’re thinking: how are you almost 40 and like this? This is an inappropriate question. Do better.

What you’re really thinking is: why not set more realistic/ simple goals?

The answer: Because them shit’s weak son.

If my goals are not outlandishly set, they are, in basic dream currency, worthless. What I want is invaluable, invaluable because it is impossible. I want to want to be me. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see. I want to have a good relationship with my father, to have grown up with a biological Dad who isn’t obsessed with being what he thought was some manner of ideal masculinity and a step-dad who is obsessed with this set of social standards and graces which must rigidly be followed.

I want to have made better decisions, to have made decisions at all. I want to have asked the girls out I wanted to ask out, I want to have been the one to dump all the exes who dumped me. On that note, I’d want to also have not been a piece of shit towards the better dating choices I’d made. I wish I hadn’t been so shallow and so obsessed with protecting some image in my head of who I was supposed to be that I couldn’t recognize the best start to something I’d had in a long, long time.

If you ever want to try again Suzy, my number’s the same.

(Ugh, I’m cringing even now as I read that. I know it isn’t right for it to go in here, but I’m trying to open myself up, to allow the void an unfettered access to my brain via my fingertips. I also know that a combination of weed and memory has got me growing hard beneath my laptop as I type. The way I see it, I want to make a difference, to maybe help people through tough times the way others helped me. If that difference is more as a warning than a warm comfort, well, so be it.)

I want to have done the right things for my career, to have cared about actually making it a career rather than simply dreaming it was a reality. I want to have taken more work from people.

What I want exists in the past. What I want is impossible.

And impossible dreams are purchased with impossible goals.

Maybe the best goal then is to not have any, or at least as few as possible. Getting my debt cleared sounds like a solid goal. Just one, one to put my efforts towards. Outside of that, no goals. I’ll make it a year of making my brain and heart happy, trying to live life rather than earn it.

Also, I know this is supposed to be my art page. I’ll get back to getting art up on here. Next go round I’ll get into what I’ve been working on. I may have gone over it before, but, well, I don’t feel like reading old entries. I’ve few things encourage honesty quite like the combination of believing that no one is paying attention to what you’re saying and that of those that are, fewer will remember what you said. I know that everything on the internet is forever, but I doubt anyone’s really concerned with what’s coming out of me so…*shrugs

Thank you all for listening and try not to remember anything.