I’m so ronery…

So ronery and sadry arone…

Depression this season is really kicking my ass. It kicks my ass a bit a a matter of just having it, but this year it feels so heightened and is definitely adding to my stress. I feel so ready to quit. That I can’t positively identify a reason to stay alive is getting to me more than usual. Emi helps some. I picture her in some terrible homelife and it makes me want to stay around, if only to make sure she has a good life—or at least as good as I can give. That said, I am lonely.

I know the fix, but even thinking about trying to find someone is terrifying. All that emerges is self-loathing and even more terror. Anxiety flies through the roof. I’m left right back where I started only more lonely and depressed.

Back to hating myself I suppose…

At least Christmas is over. That’s a plus. A couple more months and all this will have passed and it’ll be just the regular old manageable depression.

Maybe at least the constant desire to kill myself will disappear. At least for a little while.

Dicks for listening.