I'm bad...
But like, not in a good way…
Made it to the wedding. Even if I had to bail during the cocktail hour prior to the reception, I'm still proud of myself. The car ride back to Mom's to pick-up Emi was filled with tears and the usual onslaught of negative feelings, but I didn't hyperventilate, so there's that.
This go round the focus seemed to be around what I lacked. It felt very much like the drop, the sudden disassociation I'd have back when I drank. I felt the start of it during the cocktail hour--particularly after a friend of mine, one of the bridesmaids, arrived ahead of the bride. Here's the thing: I talk to this friend pretty much everyday. I don't see her very often, but we share memes and communicate, like I said, pretty much everyday. Tonight though, seated there at a table tucked into this little alcove near the bathrooms, I saw her and couldn't bring myself to go talk to her. There was this fear that I would approach her and it would all go wrong. It was like she was a beautiful stranger and not someone I've known for years.
There was fear, there was shame. I forced myself to focus on what I was sketching and tried my best to just dissociate from the whole scene. The plan was to just try and make it to the arrival of the bride, congratulate her, and then dash. Unfortunately I didn't make it that long. I skated out and then headed to Mom's--the drive there filled with me fighting tears and trying not to tear into myself too bad.
Like I said, this spiral focused on what I don't have: meaningful attachments. Don't get me wrong, I know I have more than my fair share of opportunities to have these. This is entirely a "me" issue. I don't know how to form deep meaningful attachments, and I'm afraid I'm at a point in my life where I may not be able to. My entire life I've felt like a fifth wheel, like my presence didn't really make much of a difference. The idea of someone missing me is bizarre. Even as a little kid, my grandparents would say that they missed me and I couldn't quite understand the significance of their saying that. Even though I think of people all the time, it seems strange that someone would think of me.
After I left the wedding, I started to wonder if it would really be noticed. More than anything, I thought about the friend I couldn't approach. Like me, social situations drain her, and I wondered if she had been hoping to see me--knowing that I would be there. I wondered if it would have been a relief to her knowing that I was there, if I could have been an anchor for her. Obviously, this is all fantasy. I wanted, needed a purpose. Being there wasn't/couldn't have been enough.
Still, it was a nice thought.
Dicks for listening