Grief is weird...

It was almost like l, unable to figure out how to properly deal with the feelings I was feeling following my grandmother's death, decided to create feelings I was familiar with. Shame, regret, uncertainty: these are all quite familiar to me. Don't get me wrong, they're quite unpleasant, but they are at least familiar. I know, not only how to deal with these, but how to see them. With my grandmother, I knew the grief was (is) there, but have so much trouble addressing it.

My grandmother and I had a complicated relationship. Ugh, what a nonsense fucking phrase. How many relationships don't have some manner of complication--particularly when it comes to the familial ones? Sure there are simple ones, but is it even possible to have a meaningful relationship that doesn't contain at least one or two complications?

But I digress.

When left alone with my grandmother, I walked all over her. I can't even sugarcoat it. I was an absolute piece of shit. This fact, and the shame over it, colors so many of my memories of her. Worse, she wasn't a sweet, innocent old woman either. While she treated me with her most gentle hand, she was flat out abusive, both physically and mentally, to my mother. Shed bend over backwards for me but try to break my mother in half. Knowing this, given how much I love my mother, it makes it difficult to simply any of these feelings. For every bit of sadness I can feel about my own actions, another part of me believes the woman deserved it for the treatment she gave.my mother.

It's confusing and leaves my head hurting.

Dicks for listening!