Allllll my exes…

Live in the dark recesses of my mind and come back to haunt me in dreams.

I’ve been having a number of dreams over the past couple of weeks featuring either ex-partners or old friends with whom I’m engaging in intimate moments with. It isn’t just sexy times though, there’s this feeling of being alive, of wanting someone and being wanted by them. I have them and, in the dream at least, it’s like I’m actually living my life, not simply existing.

It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but I really am so desperately lonely sometimes. (I say that, but how many times have I said that before? How many times have I written these words or had this conversation with myself? How many times have I spiraled?

I don’t like myself, and I’m not really sure I ever have. Don’t get me wrong, I like certain aspects of my life, certain memories, but even those seem tainted if I let myself linger on them for too long. I start to question whether or not I’m worth Emi or if she deserves better. I like that I can draw, but recognize that my business sense is terrible and, as such, am not really going to make a living out of art. That’s not the worst thing ever, of course, I can still create, but it’d be nice if I could spend more time doing that and less time worrying about money. Truthfully, worrying about money is something I don’t have to do, I choose to do it. I could push it away, bury those fears and focus, and maybe I should do a bit more of that with finances.

The loneliness though, that shit is getting to me. I can try to push it aside, but even if I escape it during the day, it comes back to haunt me at night.

The solution seems so simple, but the important thing to remember is that I don’t really care for myself. Not only do I not really care for myself, but I really, really struggle to believe that anyone else would either. This mindset always brings me back to the same conclusion: why bother?

Ugh, this got really cringe.

Dicks for listening!